From Sidelined to Co-Parent: How Birth Professionals Can Transform the Non-Birthing Parent’s Experience

When we talk about birth, we often focus on the birthing parent's experience—for good reason. But what about the other parent in the room? The one watching, waiting, often feeling helpless or unnecessary? As someone who facilitates support groups for dads, I've heard countless stories that reveal a troubling pattern: many non-birthing parents feel sidelined during one of life's most significant moments, and this experience can reverberate throughout their parenting journey.

It wasn't always this way. Not long ago, the norm was for men to pace nervously in waiting rooms, smoking cigars with other expectant dads until a nurse emerged with news of "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" Think of Ricky Ricardo in "I Love Lucy"—relegated to the waiting room, completely separated from the birth experience. This physical separation established a template for parenting roles: moms did the intimate work of childrearing while dads supported from a distance, primarily as providers.

Today, we'd be surprised to hear of a supporting partner who was not present during their child's birth. Our norms have evolved—non-birthing parents are now expected to be present in the birth room. Yet while their physical location has changed, the support structures and expectations haven't fully caught up. Many non-birthing parents find themselves physically present but emotionally and functionally sidelined.

"I felt like an appendage. It put me to shame," one dad shared in our group. Another described the experience more bluntly: "It's my definition of hell: your presence is vestigial but you have to be there."

These aren't isolated experiences. They represent a disconnect between our evolving expectations for non-birthing parents’ involvement and the practical support they receive—a gap that birth professionals are uniquely positioned to address.

The birth experience doesn't just affect the moment—it creates a template for how supporting partners see their role in parenting. When non-birthing parents feel sidelined during birth, they often carry that sense of being "second fiddle" into their parenting journey. Conversely, when they feel like an active participant, it establishes a foundation for co-leadership in parenting.

"I wanted to support her, to be fully present, but I didn't know what that looked like or how to do it effectively," one dad told our group, capturing the desire to participate meaningfully without the guidance to do so. Another reflected, "It was a planned c-section. It was a surgery. I didn't have a role to play. I probably was significant but I didn't feel that in the moment. In retrospect, I did have her back, and I'm proud of that."

This latter reflection reveals something crucial: non-birthing parents often do play important roles during birth, but without recognition or guidance, they may not perceive their contributions as valuable until much later—if at all.

What many non-birthing parents fail to realize—and what birth professionals can help illuminate—is the profound significance of their mere presence. Even without performing any specific tasks, a supporting partner’s steady presence provides crucial emotional support to the birthing parent, ensuring they don't face this intense experience alone. This presence also establishes the first connection between non-birthing parent and baby as the child enters the world, creating an immediate bond that shapes their relationship from the very beginning. 

Capitalism often conflates self-worth with productivity–we measure ourselves by what we do, make, and provide. This judgment is especially harsh for people raised and socialized male. Regardless of gender, the confusion can make it difficult for non-birthing parents to see the importance of their being–not just doing–in these early, tender, and transformative moments.

Birth professionals can help non-birthing parents understand that being a calm, reassuring presence is not a passive role but an active one with deep significance. When supporting partners understand that their presence gives strength to the birthing parent and that their baby is experiencing them from the first moments outside the womb, they can find meaning even in moments when there seems nothing concrete to "do."

The good news is that birth professionals have tremendous power to transform these experiences. As one dad noted, "The people in the delivery room make the difference between feeling central and feeling sidelined."

Here are specific ways doulas, midwives and other birth professionals can support non-birthing parents:

1. Assign meaningful roles: Beyond hand-holding and cheerleading, find ways for non-birthing parents to actively participate in the birth process. Those who report feeling "vital" during birth were given clear, meaningful tasks.

2. Affirm the power of presence: Help non-birthing parents understand that their steady, calm presence is profoundly meaningful to both the birthing parent and the baby. Explain how the birthing parent draws strength from not being alone and how the baby experiences the parent’s presence from their first moments.

3. Provide education beforehand: "I was just trying to help, but I didn't know how," is a common refrain. Prepare non-birthing parents with specific techniques and knowledge so they feel equipped.

4. Acknowledge their experience: Simply asking non-birthing parents about their experience of the birth—ideally when the birthing parent isn't present—can be transformative. Many report that no one has ever asked them, and creating space to spotlight their experiences underscores their significance in the family dynamic.

5. Recognize trauma: Be alert to signs of distress in witnessing partners and be prepared with resources for additional support. Simple phrases like "Many people find parts of the birth experience stay with them in unexpected ways. How has it been for you?" create an opening without suggesting there's something "wrong" with their reaction. Framing support resources as standard offerings rather than special interventions can also make them more accessible.

6. Frame their contribution: Help non-birthing parents see the significance of their actions during birth, even when they feel helpless. Point out specific moments when their presence made a difference.

When birth professionals actively include non-birthing parents in the birth experience, they're not just improving one moment—they're helping shape a more engaged, confident co-parent. For dads specifically, this active inclusion can help disrupt the cultural pattern of men seeing themselves as secondary parents rather than equal partners.

Non-birthing parents who felt supported and included during birth often use words like "partnership" and "team" when describing their parenting approach. They enter parenthood with confidence rather than hesitation.

As birth professionals, you have the opportunity to help complete the evolution that began when non-birthing parents moved from the waiting room to the birth room. It's not enough to simply have supporting partners physically present—they need to be meaningfully integrated into the experience. In doing so, you help create families where parenting is truly shared, where all parents stand alongside each other as equal, engaged participants from the very beginning.

The birth room is where this journey begins. Let's make sure everyone in that room feels necessary, valued, and prepared for the road ahead.